Yesterday I realized something that has been slowly taking a toll on me for the past year and a half. Granted, I'm pretty sure I'm the last to realize it. When I got pregnant with Christopher, I lost a great deal of my confidence. Not necessarily in my abilities, I was sure I could handle everything I needed to, but in my self worth.
Suddenly, I didn't deserve things anymore. The first thing to drop was my close friendships. I avoided hanging out with even the closest of my friends, partly because I was pregnant and exhausted, but mostly because I didn't feel I deserved to spend time with "normal" teenagers. No one treated me like I was less than them except myself. In my head, since I was pregnant, I didn't deserve any time just for myself anymore. I started feeling guilty if I wasn't doing school or working or doing something to prepare for the baby. I probably lost a lot of friends that year that I wouldn't have lost had I stayed in contact. Instead, I retreated into my shell and ignored anyone who tried to contact me because I was convinced that they didn't really want to talk to me.
Another thing that has crumbled is my self esteem when it comes to my looks. Let me tell you, having two babies in two years does crazy things to a once tiny cheerleader body. I realized yesterday as I was getting ready for work, that I just don't feel good about how I look anymore. I know that I haven't changed much, and the weight is the least of my concern. What I noticed yesterday is that I hadn't curled or straightened my hair in months. I do a ponytail or bun, 6-7 days a week. I LOVED doing my hair, and would spend hours making it look just right. Now, there's no way Christopher will give me hours of haircare time, but it only takes me 10 minutes to straighten. So why had I stopped? Because I'm a mom, and moms don't have time for their hair. In my head, it wasn't worth it to style my hair because, A) I'll be home, then at work all day, and B) Why take the time to do my hair when I could be (insert chore/HW assignment etc).
I also slowly stopped doing my makeup. Now, months ago my mom pointed this out to me, but I just figured I was "too busy" to do anything. But yesterday I realized that first I stopped the eyeliner, then the foundation, then blush, eventually all I did was slap on some chap stick. Again, this is extreme, as I used to have my makeup done every morning before ANYONE saw me. (well, mostly anyone). I didn't realize until yesterday that I was avoiding doing my makeup because, "it wouldn't help anyways". How will doing my makeup make me look any better? I convinced myself that once I became a mom, it was no longer possible for me to look good.
Well yesterday, as I noticed all of these things, I decided to stop. I'm stopping my negative thinking and I'm allowing myself to enjoy life a bit more. A part of me felt that since I decided to make the sacrifices to have Christopher, that my whole life should be nothing but sacrifices. This is my biggest regret. The past two days I have put on my makeup, even though I've only gone to work. Both days two different girls I work with complimented my makeup. I don't know why I think doing my hair and makeup is important enough to write a blog about, but it's wildly important to me. I am learning that it's OK for me to be happy. I don't have to change every aspect of my life to be a good mother.
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