Yesterday I realized something that has been slowly taking a toll on me for the past year and a half. Granted, I'm pretty sure I'm the last to realize it. When I got pregnant with Christopher, I lost a great deal of my confidence. Not necessarily in my abilities, I was sure I could handle everything I needed to, but in my self worth.
Suddenly, I didn't deserve things anymore. The first thing to drop was my close friendships. I avoided hanging out with even the closest of my friends, partly because I was pregnant and exhausted, but mostly because I didn't feel I deserved to spend time with "normal" teenagers. No one treated me like I was less than them except myself. In my head, since I was pregnant, I didn't deserve any time just for myself anymore. I started feeling guilty if I wasn't doing school or working or doing something to prepare for the baby. I probably lost a lot of friends that year that I wouldn't have lost had I stayed in contact. Instead, I retreated into my shell and ignored anyone who tried to contact me because I was convinced that they didn't really want to talk to me.
Another thing that has crumbled is my self esteem when it comes to my looks. Let me tell you, having two babies in two years does crazy things to a once tiny cheerleader body. I realized yesterday as I was getting ready for work, that I just don't feel good about how I look anymore. I know that I haven't changed much, and the weight is the least of my concern. What I noticed yesterday is that I hadn't curled or straightened my hair in months. I do a ponytail or bun, 6-7 days a week. I LOVED doing my hair, and would spend hours making it look just right. Now, there's no way Christopher will give me hours of haircare time, but it only takes me 10 minutes to straighten. So why had I stopped? Because I'm a mom, and moms don't have time for their hair. In my head, it wasn't worth it to style my hair because, A) I'll be home, then at work all day, and B) Why take the time to do my hair when I could be (insert chore/HW assignment etc).
I also slowly stopped doing my makeup. Now, months ago my mom pointed this out to me, but I just figured I was "too busy" to do anything. But yesterday I realized that first I stopped the eyeliner, then the foundation, then blush, eventually all I did was slap on some chap stick. Again, this is extreme, as I used to have my makeup done every morning before ANYONE saw me. (well, mostly anyone). I didn't realize until yesterday that I was avoiding doing my makeup because, "it wouldn't help anyways". How will doing my makeup make me look any better? I convinced myself that once I became a mom, it was no longer possible for me to look good.
Well yesterday, as I noticed all of these things, I decided to stop. I'm stopping my negative thinking and I'm allowing myself to enjoy life a bit more. A part of me felt that since I decided to make the sacrifices to have Christopher, that my whole life should be nothing but sacrifices. This is my biggest regret. The past two days I have put on my makeup, even though I've only gone to work. Both days two different girls I work with complimented my makeup. I don't know why I think doing my hair and makeup is important enough to write a blog about, but it's wildly important to me. I am learning that it's OK for me to be happy. I don't have to change every aspect of my life to be a good mother.
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Best Thing That Ever Happened..
A big part of my motivation to start this blog is the sudden increase in TV shows about teenage pregnancy over the last few years. It started with "The Secret Life of the American Teenager", then came "16 and Pregnant", further, "Teen Mom" and "Teen Mom 2". I will admit, I watch all of these shows, and get just as frustrated with their wrong decisions and proud of their correct ones as any other fan. My main problem with them? They're HIGHLY unrealistic. Many of the girls in the Teen Mom shows have money to get professional highlights, eat out regularly, get their nails done, etc. However, they don't have money for sheets for their baby's crib, or decorations for a birthday party? Many of the girls struggle with their desire to finish their teen years, while having to "grow up" to take care of their children.
What I'm here to say is, not every teen mother is irresponsible. We don't all give up on our lives the moment we get pregnant. My life is 100% better since having Christopher. Did I give things up? Of course. But I love every moment. Even right now, as he's fussing himself to sleep for his nap. I heard it all when I got pregnant. That I'd never finish high school or go to college, that I'd live on welfare my whole life, that my children would have a worse life because of me, but none of that is coming true. I graduate high school in June. Yes, real high school, not a GED or "alternative" high school. Majority of the classes that I have taken in the past two years have been advanced, two of them are college level. I'm beginning my education degree in the Fall, and by the time I'm teaching, my sons will be in school.
My husband Brad has been by my side every step of the way. Which disputes another common myth, that every teen mom has a "baby-daddy" who is going to leave her and never support his children. We've been married just over a year, and we decided to try for another baby when Christopher was about five months old. We wanted our kids close together so that they will enjoy each other and really, they'll never know life without each other. Again with this pregnancy I heard all about how I'd never finish college with two babies, but I will. My whole life I've learned to work my ass off, and that isn't going to change.
I've become much more disciplined since having Christopher. He's in bed by 7:00 most nights, so I'm home early, working on schoolwork until we have to pick up Brad around 10:00. I go to bed early, as everyone in the house is up by 8:00. My days are filled with taking care of Christopher, running errands, visiting family, cleaning the house, and those are just days that I don't work!
I've learned a lot about running a household. One of the things that shocked me most when I became a mom is how difficult that truly is. I used to fight my parents like crazy about my messy room, now I'm the parent trying to keep a clean home. I love cooking, but I'm not very good or adventurous yet. I'm getting there though. When Brad and I first married, we lived with his family for a few months. When we moved out, we were truly on our own. I realized that there was a lot that I didn't know, that I should have learned before. Such as, letting dishes soak in hot water makes them 100x easier to clean, or if you clean as you go, you have a much smaller mess when you get a phone call that someone is ten minutes away and coming to visit!
While this post has turned into a lot of rambling, I'll simply reiterate. Some teen moms, like me, pretty much drop the teen part and just become moms. For those who are reading this who are friends and family, thank you for all of your support because without it, I may be one of the stereotypes. For those of you reading this who are young moms, don't get discouraged. You can do this. Just don't use it as an excuse to throw your life away, use it as your motivation to improve! And for those reading this who know teen moms, and perhaps have judged the young girl in the supermarket juggling a baby and diapers and formula, please take a step back to realize that at least she's trying. All new moms are frazzled and make crazy mistakes, teen mothers are no different.
What I'm here to say is, not every teen mother is irresponsible. We don't all give up on our lives the moment we get pregnant. My life is 100% better since having Christopher. Did I give things up? Of course. But I love every moment. Even right now, as he's fussing himself to sleep for his nap. I heard it all when I got pregnant. That I'd never finish high school or go to college, that I'd live on welfare my whole life, that my children would have a worse life because of me, but none of that is coming true. I graduate high school in June. Yes, real high school, not a GED or "alternative" high school. Majority of the classes that I have taken in the past two years have been advanced, two of them are college level. I'm beginning my education degree in the Fall, and by the time I'm teaching, my sons will be in school.
My husband Brad has been by my side every step of the way. Which disputes another common myth, that every teen mom has a "baby-daddy" who is going to leave her and never support his children. We've been married just over a year, and we decided to try for another baby when Christopher was about five months old. We wanted our kids close together so that they will enjoy each other and really, they'll never know life without each other. Again with this pregnancy I heard all about how I'd never finish college with two babies, but I will. My whole life I've learned to work my ass off, and that isn't going to change.
I've become much more disciplined since having Christopher. He's in bed by 7:00 most nights, so I'm home early, working on schoolwork until we have to pick up Brad around 10:00. I go to bed early, as everyone in the house is up by 8:00. My days are filled with taking care of Christopher, running errands, visiting family, cleaning the house, and those are just days that I don't work!
I've learned a lot about running a household. One of the things that shocked me most when I became a mom is how difficult that truly is. I used to fight my parents like crazy about my messy room, now I'm the parent trying to keep a clean home. I love cooking, but I'm not very good or adventurous yet. I'm getting there though. When Brad and I first married, we lived with his family for a few months. When we moved out, we were truly on our own. I realized that there was a lot that I didn't know, that I should have learned before. Such as, letting dishes soak in hot water makes them 100x easier to clean, or if you clean as you go, you have a much smaller mess when you get a phone call that someone is ten minutes away and coming to visit!
While this post has turned into a lot of rambling, I'll simply reiterate. Some teen moms, like me, pretty much drop the teen part and just become moms. For those who are reading this who are friends and family, thank you for all of your support because without it, I may be one of the stereotypes. For those of you reading this who are young moms, don't get discouraged. You can do this. Just don't use it as an excuse to throw your life away, use it as your motivation to improve! And for those reading this who know teen moms, and perhaps have judged the young girl in the supermarket juggling a baby and diapers and formula, please take a step back to realize that at least she's trying. All new moms are frazzled and make crazy mistakes, teen mothers are no different.
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