And just about everything has changed. Aiden has proven how stubborn and determined he is by arriving 6 weeks early. When I wanted everything to fast forward, that is SO not what I meant.Luckily, he is getting bigger everyday and I couldn't be happier with his progress. He came two weeks before my maternity leave was scheduled to start, so that changed most of my plans.
My maternity leave was supposed to give me four weeks with just Christopher at home. I was going to get him on a regular, consistent schedule, and I was going to complete all of my coursework. Well, surprise, I got no time off of work before Aiden was born. (I literally left KFC to go to the hospital) Where does that leave me? With Christopher on a somewhat regular schedule. His night routine is solid, but his naps vary a bit. And a huge pile of schoolwork that now has to be completed between taking care of a toddler and newborn. I'm getting by better than I expected, but I'm pretty stressed out.
The house is another major stresser. We had only moved in a week when Aiden was born, so we have a few boxes left to unpack. Not to mention, I don't have a dishwasher, my washing machine is getting fixed sometime this weekend, and for the first two weeks after Aiden I couldn't do anything because of the C-Section.
One thing that's helped is that (almost) everyday I have gotten ready as soon as I wake up for the day. I put on normal clothes, a little bit of makeup, and at least throw my hair in a ponytail. I guess it just helps me feel a bit more normal, like I'm ready to do whatever I have to do. I've also been trying to let myself relax a little bit. Brad has helped a LOT with that. I tend to focus on the fifty million things that I need to do, and I never take the time to slow down and enjoy what I'm doing. Brad always reminds me that people who come over won't judge that our house isn't perfect yet, so I need to sit down and just chill. (usually by watching Crime Boys LOL)
Anyways, I just figured I should post, I mean, Aiden's nearly a month old. Holy Moly, I can't believe he's getting so old! :) I'll try to keep this more up to date, but like I said, I'm a bit busy. :)
Thursday, April 28, 2011
Thursday, March 17, 2011
Fast Forward?
Sometimes I wish life had a fast forward button. Not like the movie Click, I'd want to be in ultimate control, my ideal remote would have no "autopilot". I have a tendency of getting overly stressed in anticipation of things that I have no control over. A lot of these things are happening right now, and I kind of want to skip the anticipation and just get to the part where we're doing everything we need to.
First, Brad and I are moving into a new place! I am meeting with the landlord tomorrow, signing the lease, and getting the keys. The extra room will be so nice, and we definitely need it. Not to mention the washer and dryer, one car garage, and big fenced in back yard. :) OK, so I'm obviously really excited. I'm not excited, however, about all of the stress involved in moving. I have to organize, declutter, pack, move, unpack, detail clean like crazy. It's going to be a crazy two weeks.
Next, I'm only NINE weeks from my due date. This is getting insane. I feel like there are so many things we need to get done, and nine weeks seems like NO time to do it. It's hardly more than two months, and that's if he's born exactly on his due date. I'm just crazy concerned that we won't have everything ready. I know it's crazy, All of Aiden's basic needs will be met. We have clothes, a place for him to sleep, food, etc. I just am getting overwhelmed.
The plus side? I have only four weeks left at work until my maternity leave starts. With my part-time status, that equates to twelve shifts. Once I'm on leave, there will be more time. More time to finish my schoolwork, more time to clean and organize, and most importantly, more time to spend with Christopher! :)
I just want to get to a point where I have both babies and Brad and I all in our nice clean house. I want to be graduated, and on to bigger and better things with my life.
So once again, someone invent a fast forward button, deal? :)
First, Brad and I are moving into a new place! I am meeting with the landlord tomorrow, signing the lease, and getting the keys. The extra room will be so nice, and we definitely need it. Not to mention the washer and dryer, one car garage, and big fenced in back yard. :) OK, so I'm obviously really excited. I'm not excited, however, about all of the stress involved in moving. I have to organize, declutter, pack, move, unpack, detail clean like crazy. It's going to be a crazy two weeks.
Next, I'm only NINE weeks from my due date. This is getting insane. I feel like there are so many things we need to get done, and nine weeks seems like NO time to do it. It's hardly more than two months, and that's if he's born exactly on his due date. I'm just crazy concerned that we won't have everything ready. I know it's crazy, All of Aiden's basic needs will be met. We have clothes, a place for him to sleep, food, etc. I just am getting overwhelmed.
The plus side? I have only four weeks left at work until my maternity leave starts. With my part-time status, that equates to twelve shifts. Once I'm on leave, there will be more time. More time to finish my schoolwork, more time to clean and organize, and most importantly, more time to spend with Christopher! :)
I just want to get to a point where I have both babies and Brad and I all in our nice clean house. I want to be graduated, and on to bigger and better things with my life.
So once again, someone invent a fast forward button, deal? :)
Friday, March 11, 2011
Mixed Feelings.
This evening, I'm feeling very optimistic. It's funny, because I wasn't during the day today at all. Regardless, at the moment, I'm pretty confident that everything will be going great soon. Or, well, relatively soon. All of the things I swore I'd accomplish are slowly taking form. This has been both comforting and frightening at the same time.
It's extremely comforting to know that I'm graduating in a matter of months. This was one of my main goals for myself. It was also one of the things many people didn't believe I'd accomplish. It's putting my mind at ease to know that all of my hard work is paying off. I'm really going to graduate with a real diploma and I'm done with high school. It's also really scary though. I never thought my senior year would be like this at all. There were a lot of plans that changed, and I'm constantly battling the thought of what I am not accomplishing.
Along with graduation being near, so is the arrival of Aiden. :) I am getting to the point where I'm huge and miserable most of the time. Not to mention, tying my shoes is getting rather difficult. I am really excited to have him, mostly so that I'm done with pregnancy. I want my body to be MINE. This is also really scary though. While I'm excited to meet Aiden, we don't have things ready. We're still looking for a new house that's big enough, we have to pick up some supplies, I have to finish ALL of my schoolwork, all in two months? I'm scared that he'll come and we won't have everything, which will make those first weeks even crazier!
Another comforting/frightening aspect of my life is college. I've been planning for college since I was six. Granted, that's when I wanted to go to Harvard to be just like Elle Woods, but regardless, the point was college. The fact that I'm finally getting ready for my college education is extremely comforting. It's giving me some sense of normality. In the past two years, everything about me has changed. College is like my constant. It's also extremely scary. I'm not sure where I'm going to be going yet, because it depends on my work situation, as well as childcare. Because of that, I'm not sure what tuition will be. Will I get enough aid to pay? Will I be able to afford what aid doesn't cover? Does it really benefit my kids for me to work and go to school the next four years? -That's my main concern. I know that it will, it's just very hard to justify spending so much time away from them.
Well I should get back to my reading, I just figured I'd take a moment to share the thoughts I've been having lately. :)
It's extremely comforting to know that I'm graduating in a matter of months. This was one of my main goals for myself. It was also one of the things many people didn't believe I'd accomplish. It's putting my mind at ease to know that all of my hard work is paying off. I'm really going to graduate with a real diploma and I'm done with high school. It's also really scary though. I never thought my senior year would be like this at all. There were a lot of plans that changed, and I'm constantly battling the thought of what I am not accomplishing.
Along with graduation being near, so is the arrival of Aiden. :) I am getting to the point where I'm huge and miserable most of the time. Not to mention, tying my shoes is getting rather difficult. I am really excited to have him, mostly so that I'm done with pregnancy. I want my body to be MINE. This is also really scary though. While I'm excited to meet Aiden, we don't have things ready. We're still looking for a new house that's big enough, we have to pick up some supplies, I have to finish ALL of my schoolwork, all in two months? I'm scared that he'll come and we won't have everything, which will make those first weeks even crazier!
Another comforting/frightening aspect of my life is college. I've been planning for college since I was six. Granted, that's when I wanted to go to Harvard to be just like Elle Woods, but regardless, the point was college. The fact that I'm finally getting ready for my college education is extremely comforting. It's giving me some sense of normality. In the past two years, everything about me has changed. College is like my constant. It's also extremely scary. I'm not sure where I'm going to be going yet, because it depends on my work situation, as well as childcare. Because of that, I'm not sure what tuition will be. Will I get enough aid to pay? Will I be able to afford what aid doesn't cover? Does it really benefit my kids for me to work and go to school the next four years? -That's my main concern. I know that it will, it's just very hard to justify spending so much time away from them.
Well I should get back to my reading, I just figured I'd take a moment to share the thoughts I've been having lately. :)
Sunday, March 6, 2011
It's been a while. :)
I'm coming to a lot of realizations lately. Granted, I'll probably always be coming to these realizations. The latest, occurred just today, as I sit with Blues Clues playing, absolutely thrilled that Christopher is exploring the exciting world of a laundry because he hasn't felt well lately, and him playing is a good good sign. :) I'm realizing that I love so many aspects of my life. Not going to lie, there's quite a bit I would change, but the things I wouldn't change are outweighing them by quite a bit at the moment. :) This blog is basically about how awesome things are going.
I've been pretty down lately, and I think it'll be nice to focus on the positive. :)
1)Christopher is getting bigger and bigger everyday. His personality is really starting to show. He thinks he's the funniest thing to ever walk the earth, and he's probably right. Since learning "kisses" he wants nothing but, and it's my favorite milestone so far. On days where I want to pull all my hair out, he gives me a "kissie" and everything's all better. :) He's also starting to understand that something's up in Mommie's tummie. Now, I don't think he's connected that it's a new baby, but he calls my tummie "Buh" for "Brother" and he plays with it all the time. :)
2)I'm tackling my housecleaning that I've been "going to do" since we moved here over a year ago. We have nearly all laundry done, and I'm starting on some other big detail tasks too. It feels awesome to come home and have a nice clean house. We're also getting more organized. My calendar is all filled out, the whiteboard underneath has all the things I'm going to forget to tell Brad when we trade the baby in an hour, and all of my schoolwork is planned with my due dates. The real due dates don't work because they have me finishing four weeks after I have Aiden. Which brings me to...
3)I'm not procrastinating my schoolwork!!!! Even when I went to regular schools, procrastination was a huge issue for me. Mostly because I could write an essay the night before it was due, and still make decent grades. It only worsened with the online school I had last year. They were just awful. Saving a huge amount of work for right before the end of a semester is just a habit of mine. However, with baby Aiden coming four weeks before the end of the semester, I can't leave everything for the last minute. I think it's hard to concentrate with Punkin running around, but add a newborn that can't be fed by anyone but me, and it becomes near impossible. I have all of my classes planned so I'll be done with most of them well before Aiden arrives. The "well before" makes it so that if I slip up on some of it, I still have two-three weeks leeway to catch up. The "Most" part is because my accounting class only works if I'm right on track.
4)I only have 16 shifts left at work before my maternity leave! That is, not including the shift that starts in an hour, because, well, who counts the day they're on? LOL. Anyways, I'm only working 3 shifts every week, so I still have 5 weeks left. I am excited to be able to focus on schoolwork, rest, getting everything ready for Aiden, having time with Brad, and getting Punkin on a normal schedule. Right now, scheduling is near impossible with Brad and I having only one night off, plus our shifts aren't consistent. At least with me at home for the month before Aiden, Christopher and I can get into a rhythm. I know it'll be a Godsend when Aiden arrives. :)
5)Did I mention Christopher is feeling better? Lately he's been super clingie, which I know is a normal phase. It just breaks my heart that he wouldn't even play his toys or anything for fear that we were going to leave. Poor little guy. But today he's playing, while it did take quite a bit of coaxing. He also took an hour and a half nap today, and three hours yesterday. Lately he's been fighting naps like the plague, and getting maybe an hour split up throughout the day. This is another thing I hope to combat with the scheduling. :)
6)I am almost done with pregnancy. This is a whole world of good things all in it's own. For the first time in nearly two years, my body will just be mine. (After I heal and start to get skinny again LOL). I can't wait for having energy again, and being able to get off a couch without feeling like death would help too. :)
7)I'm finally finding some school arrangements that look like they'll work out. (I hope). I'm not posting too much detail here, because with college, you never know, and it could go in a completely different direction.
Well thanks for reading my ramblings, but, like I said, I needed to focus on some positives. :)
I've been pretty down lately, and I think it'll be nice to focus on the positive. :)
1)Christopher is getting bigger and bigger everyday. His personality is really starting to show. He thinks he's the funniest thing to ever walk the earth, and he's probably right. Since learning "kisses" he wants nothing but, and it's my favorite milestone so far. On days where I want to pull all my hair out, he gives me a "kissie" and everything's all better. :) He's also starting to understand that something's up in Mommie's tummie. Now, I don't think he's connected that it's a new baby, but he calls my tummie "Buh" for "Brother" and he plays with it all the time. :)
2)I'm tackling my housecleaning that I've been "going to do" since we moved here over a year ago. We have nearly all laundry done, and I'm starting on some other big detail tasks too. It feels awesome to come home and have a nice clean house. We're also getting more organized. My calendar is all filled out, the whiteboard underneath has all the things I'm going to forget to tell Brad when we trade the baby in an hour, and all of my schoolwork is planned with my due dates. The real due dates don't work because they have me finishing four weeks after I have Aiden. Which brings me to...
3)I'm not procrastinating my schoolwork!!!! Even when I went to regular schools, procrastination was a huge issue for me. Mostly because I could write an essay the night before it was due, and still make decent grades. It only worsened with the online school I had last year. They were just awful. Saving a huge amount of work for right before the end of a semester is just a habit of mine. However, with baby Aiden coming four weeks before the end of the semester, I can't leave everything for the last minute. I think it's hard to concentrate with Punkin running around, but add a newborn that can't be fed by anyone but me, and it becomes near impossible. I have all of my classes planned so I'll be done with most of them well before Aiden arrives. The "well before" makes it so that if I slip up on some of it, I still have two-three weeks leeway to catch up. The "Most" part is because my accounting class only works if I'm right on track.
4)I only have 16 shifts left at work before my maternity leave! That is, not including the shift that starts in an hour, because, well, who counts the day they're on? LOL. Anyways, I'm only working 3 shifts every week, so I still have 5 weeks left. I am excited to be able to focus on schoolwork, rest, getting everything ready for Aiden, having time with Brad, and getting Punkin on a normal schedule. Right now, scheduling is near impossible with Brad and I having only one night off, plus our shifts aren't consistent. At least with me at home for the month before Aiden, Christopher and I can get into a rhythm. I know it'll be a Godsend when Aiden arrives. :)
5)Did I mention Christopher is feeling better? Lately he's been super clingie, which I know is a normal phase. It just breaks my heart that he wouldn't even play his toys or anything for fear that we were going to leave. Poor little guy. But today he's playing, while it did take quite a bit of coaxing. He also took an hour and a half nap today, and three hours yesterday. Lately he's been fighting naps like the plague, and getting maybe an hour split up throughout the day. This is another thing I hope to combat with the scheduling. :)
6)I am almost done with pregnancy. This is a whole world of good things all in it's own. For the first time in nearly two years, my body will just be mine. (After I heal and start to get skinny again LOL). I can't wait for having energy again, and being able to get off a couch without feeling like death would help too. :)
7)I'm finally finding some school arrangements that look like they'll work out. (I hope). I'm not posting too much detail here, because with college, you never know, and it could go in a completely different direction.
Well thanks for reading my ramblings, but, like I said, I needed to focus on some positives. :)
Wednesday, February 9, 2011
God's Plan (religious warning)
Lately I've been struggling with the concept of God's plan for all of us. As silly as it sounds, this all started when the annoying Jehovah Witness ladies came banging down my door again the other day.These ladies come over and over because I'm too nice to tell them to leave me alone. They're very annoying, and they always seem to pound on our door minutes after we get Christopher to sleep.
Anyways, these ladies came one morning last week, and went through their speech that's typically the same every week. This time was just before Christopher's nap, so I had him in my arms struggling. When I finally said, "if I don't put him down now he'll miss his entire nap" they made to leave. But not before sharing, "just one more thing". They asked if I believed God knew that Adam and Eve were going to sin when he gave them the Garden of Eden. I thought about it and said yes. If God is all knowing, he must have known that they were going to eat the fruit, right? Well apparently I was wrong. (I usually answer wrong when talking to them) And they were quick to point out in their magazine that if God knew that they were going to sin, then he'd be setting them up to fail, which a loving God wouldn't do. They went on to explain how God had a plan for each of us which was free of all sin, and we should try to go as close to that plan as possible, which would give us a life without sin, or near without sin. After the long explanation, I was back to forcing them to leave so that I could put Christopher down for his nap (twenty minutes late, might I add).
Later I got to thinking, though. If God's plan for us really is without sin, then what happens when we do sin? Are we just out of luck? Or does He remake his plan to include whatever sins we commit?
My reasoning for questioning all of this is that I had a lot of plans for myself. I was going to go to a university and graduate, teach while going to school to get my masters and maybe even take some psychology courses so that not only could I teach but possibly be a school counselor. These plans changed dramatically when I got married and had Christopher. I now plan to go to a community college to get my degree. I'll be teaching elementary school instead of junior high music or English. I'll probably never get my masters, or be a school counselor. Honestly, I'm alright with these changes. I took what I had and made it work for me.
What I'm wondering is, will God? If God's plan for me was free of sin, then it wouldn't involve me getting pregnant before we were married. It probably would have been closer to my previous plans for myself. My fear is that once I messed with God's plan, that I failed, game over. Not that I'd suffer forever, but my life would never again be what it was meant to be. What if I was supposed to be a counselor and save someone from a terrible situation? What if, while teaching choir, I reached a student with music the way that my choir teachers reached me? What if my English class was the one that convinced kids that reading wasn't always a bad thing? Even worse, what if, because of my decisions, that terrible situation got the best of someone? What if that kid who just needed a music class, never came out of their shell? What if those kids dropped out because they couldn't pass their English class?
Then again, I could be completely overreacting. Perhaps God does know what sins we will commit ahead of time. Maybe my purpose in life was to marry early and have my children and raise them with all the love that I can and to provide everything that I can for them. I'll never claim to be a religious expert, and in my opinion, even the experts will never know for sure. Proof of that? Ten different religious leaders would most likely give ten different answers. So much of religion is interpretation, that it just leaves me wondering sometimes. Maybe one day I'll know what God's plan for me is, or was. For now, I'm happy with living life the best that I can, and trying my best to be the best mom that I can be.
Anyways, these ladies came one morning last week, and went through their speech that's typically the same every week. This time was just before Christopher's nap, so I had him in my arms struggling. When I finally said, "if I don't put him down now he'll miss his entire nap" they made to leave. But not before sharing, "just one more thing". They asked if I believed God knew that Adam and Eve were going to sin when he gave them the Garden of Eden. I thought about it and said yes. If God is all knowing, he must have known that they were going to eat the fruit, right? Well apparently I was wrong. (I usually answer wrong when talking to them) And they were quick to point out in their magazine that if God knew that they were going to sin, then he'd be setting them up to fail, which a loving God wouldn't do. They went on to explain how God had a plan for each of us which was free of all sin, and we should try to go as close to that plan as possible, which would give us a life without sin, or near without sin. After the long explanation, I was back to forcing them to leave so that I could put Christopher down for his nap (twenty minutes late, might I add).
Later I got to thinking, though. If God's plan for us really is without sin, then what happens when we do sin? Are we just out of luck? Or does He remake his plan to include whatever sins we commit?
My reasoning for questioning all of this is that I had a lot of plans for myself. I was going to go to a university and graduate, teach while going to school to get my masters and maybe even take some psychology courses so that not only could I teach but possibly be a school counselor. These plans changed dramatically when I got married and had Christopher. I now plan to go to a community college to get my degree. I'll be teaching elementary school instead of junior high music or English. I'll probably never get my masters, or be a school counselor. Honestly, I'm alright with these changes. I took what I had and made it work for me.
What I'm wondering is, will God? If God's plan for me was free of sin, then it wouldn't involve me getting pregnant before we were married. It probably would have been closer to my previous plans for myself. My fear is that once I messed with God's plan, that I failed, game over. Not that I'd suffer forever, but my life would never again be what it was meant to be. What if I was supposed to be a counselor and save someone from a terrible situation? What if, while teaching choir, I reached a student with music the way that my choir teachers reached me? What if my English class was the one that convinced kids that reading wasn't always a bad thing? Even worse, what if, because of my decisions, that terrible situation got the best of someone? What if that kid who just needed a music class, never came out of their shell? What if those kids dropped out because they couldn't pass their English class?
Then again, I could be completely overreacting. Perhaps God does know what sins we will commit ahead of time. Maybe my purpose in life was to marry early and have my children and raise them with all the love that I can and to provide everything that I can for them. I'll never claim to be a religious expert, and in my opinion, even the experts will never know for sure. Proof of that? Ten different religious leaders would most likely give ten different answers. So much of religion is interpretation, that it just leaves me wondering sometimes. Maybe one day I'll know what God's plan for me is, or was. For now, I'm happy with living life the best that I can, and trying my best to be the best mom that I can be.
Friday, February 4, 2011
Motivation
Motivation is a really funny thing. All motivation, in my opinion, is relative. I watched the biggest loser yesterday, and I wanted to go run ten miles thinking, I'll never get that big! I used to watch Clean Sweep and want to get rid of everything I own so that my house would never be that cluttered. What I don't understand, is why does motivation always have to be negative? The big majority of my motivation comes from being better than others. I should really try to focus my motivation on bettering myself, rather than being better than someone.
I'm fighting motivation right now. I am not feeling well, and I'm really tired, and honestly, I just want to go to bed. However, I'm trying to get ahead in my classwork, so I SHOULD write a paper for English and work on my government test. Which will I do? Well, I'll probably write the English paper while watching some old TV show on netflix. It'll take me longer, but it won't feel quite as torturous. Regardless, this blog is supposed to find out the why behind my motivation.
One pro I'm missing out on by staying up to do school is that I am missing out on snuggle time with Christopher. (The poor baby is sick, so I KNOW he'd cuddle me!). Strangely, though, I'm not too disappointed about it. The reasoning? He's the reason that I stay up late at night, yes I realize that 8pm isn't late to some, to work on my school work. He's the reason I decided to continue my education. He's even the reason that I went from the easier to the harder online school. I wanted to be more fully prepared for college, so that I had the ability to give him every opportunity.
I've realised that Christopher, and soon to be Aiden, are the healthiest forms of motivation that I have. I'm not trying to be better so that they accept me, and I'm not trying to be better so they like me better than someone else. I choose to better myself so that they can have the best possible future. If I graduate college, I'll be in a better position to encourage them to go to college. If I lead a healthy lifestyle, they'll be more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle. If I finish my classes early, I'll be able to spend time with them and give them both my full attention after Aiden's born without dealing with work or school. Not to mention, when I graduate, I'm showing them that no matter what God throws on your plate, you can ALWAYS rise above and succeed.
My sons will motivate me to be the best that I can be, regardless of how that compares to others around me. There are so many lessons that I hope to teach them as they grow older, but many of those lessons, I'm taught by them without them even knowing.
:)
PS. Sorry it's been a while, like I said, I'm trying to get 4 weeks ahead in school by May!
I'm fighting motivation right now. I am not feeling well, and I'm really tired, and honestly, I just want to go to bed. However, I'm trying to get ahead in my classwork, so I SHOULD write a paper for English and work on my government test. Which will I do? Well, I'll probably write the English paper while watching some old TV show on netflix. It'll take me longer, but it won't feel quite as torturous. Regardless, this blog is supposed to find out the why behind my motivation.
One pro I'm missing out on by staying up to do school is that I am missing out on snuggle time with Christopher. (The poor baby is sick, so I KNOW he'd cuddle me!). Strangely, though, I'm not too disappointed about it. The reasoning? He's the reason that I stay up late at night, yes I realize that 8pm isn't late to some, to work on my school work. He's the reason I decided to continue my education. He's even the reason that I went from the easier to the harder online school. I wanted to be more fully prepared for college, so that I had the ability to give him every opportunity.
I've realised that Christopher, and soon to be Aiden, are the healthiest forms of motivation that I have. I'm not trying to be better so that they accept me, and I'm not trying to be better so they like me better than someone else. I choose to better myself so that they can have the best possible future. If I graduate college, I'll be in a better position to encourage them to go to college. If I lead a healthy lifestyle, they'll be more likely to lead a healthy lifestyle. If I finish my classes early, I'll be able to spend time with them and give them both my full attention after Aiden's born without dealing with work or school. Not to mention, when I graduate, I'm showing them that no matter what God throws on your plate, you can ALWAYS rise above and succeed.
My sons will motivate me to be the best that I can be, regardless of how that compares to others around me. There are so many lessons that I hope to teach them as they grow older, but many of those lessons, I'm taught by them without them even knowing.
:)
PS. Sorry it's been a while, like I said, I'm trying to get 4 weeks ahead in school by May!
Sunday, January 23, 2011
Getting Back Some Confidence
Yesterday I realized something that has been slowly taking a toll on me for the past year and a half. Granted, I'm pretty sure I'm the last to realize it. When I got pregnant with Christopher, I lost a great deal of my confidence. Not necessarily in my abilities, I was sure I could handle everything I needed to, but in my self worth.
Suddenly, I didn't deserve things anymore. The first thing to drop was my close friendships. I avoided hanging out with even the closest of my friends, partly because I was pregnant and exhausted, but mostly because I didn't feel I deserved to spend time with "normal" teenagers. No one treated me like I was less than them except myself. In my head, since I was pregnant, I didn't deserve any time just for myself anymore. I started feeling guilty if I wasn't doing school or working or doing something to prepare for the baby. I probably lost a lot of friends that year that I wouldn't have lost had I stayed in contact. Instead, I retreated into my shell and ignored anyone who tried to contact me because I was convinced that they didn't really want to talk to me.
Another thing that has crumbled is my self esteem when it comes to my looks. Let me tell you, having two babies in two years does crazy things to a once tiny cheerleader body. I realized yesterday as I was getting ready for work, that I just don't feel good about how I look anymore. I know that I haven't changed much, and the weight is the least of my concern. What I noticed yesterday is that I hadn't curled or straightened my hair in months. I do a ponytail or bun, 6-7 days a week. I LOVED doing my hair, and would spend hours making it look just right. Now, there's no way Christopher will give me hours of haircare time, but it only takes me 10 minutes to straighten. So why had I stopped? Because I'm a mom, and moms don't have time for their hair. In my head, it wasn't worth it to style my hair because, A) I'll be home, then at work all day, and B) Why take the time to do my hair when I could be (insert chore/HW assignment etc).
I also slowly stopped doing my makeup. Now, months ago my mom pointed this out to me, but I just figured I was "too busy" to do anything. But yesterday I realized that first I stopped the eyeliner, then the foundation, then blush, eventually all I did was slap on some chap stick. Again, this is extreme, as I used to have my makeup done every morning before ANYONE saw me. (well, mostly anyone). I didn't realize until yesterday that I was avoiding doing my makeup because, "it wouldn't help anyways". How will doing my makeup make me look any better? I convinced myself that once I became a mom, it was no longer possible for me to look good.
Well yesterday, as I noticed all of these things, I decided to stop. I'm stopping my negative thinking and I'm allowing myself to enjoy life a bit more. A part of me felt that since I decided to make the sacrifices to have Christopher, that my whole life should be nothing but sacrifices. This is my biggest regret. The past two days I have put on my makeup, even though I've only gone to work. Both days two different girls I work with complimented my makeup. I don't know why I think doing my hair and makeup is important enough to write a blog about, but it's wildly important to me. I am learning that it's OK for me to be happy. I don't have to change every aspect of my life to be a good mother.
Suddenly, I didn't deserve things anymore. The first thing to drop was my close friendships. I avoided hanging out with even the closest of my friends, partly because I was pregnant and exhausted, but mostly because I didn't feel I deserved to spend time with "normal" teenagers. No one treated me like I was less than them except myself. In my head, since I was pregnant, I didn't deserve any time just for myself anymore. I started feeling guilty if I wasn't doing school or working or doing something to prepare for the baby. I probably lost a lot of friends that year that I wouldn't have lost had I stayed in contact. Instead, I retreated into my shell and ignored anyone who tried to contact me because I was convinced that they didn't really want to talk to me.
Another thing that has crumbled is my self esteem when it comes to my looks. Let me tell you, having two babies in two years does crazy things to a once tiny cheerleader body. I realized yesterday as I was getting ready for work, that I just don't feel good about how I look anymore. I know that I haven't changed much, and the weight is the least of my concern. What I noticed yesterday is that I hadn't curled or straightened my hair in months. I do a ponytail or bun, 6-7 days a week. I LOVED doing my hair, and would spend hours making it look just right. Now, there's no way Christopher will give me hours of haircare time, but it only takes me 10 minutes to straighten. So why had I stopped? Because I'm a mom, and moms don't have time for their hair. In my head, it wasn't worth it to style my hair because, A) I'll be home, then at work all day, and B) Why take the time to do my hair when I could be (insert chore/HW assignment etc).
I also slowly stopped doing my makeup. Now, months ago my mom pointed this out to me, but I just figured I was "too busy" to do anything. But yesterday I realized that first I stopped the eyeliner, then the foundation, then blush, eventually all I did was slap on some chap stick. Again, this is extreme, as I used to have my makeup done every morning before ANYONE saw me. (well, mostly anyone). I didn't realize until yesterday that I was avoiding doing my makeup because, "it wouldn't help anyways". How will doing my makeup make me look any better? I convinced myself that once I became a mom, it was no longer possible for me to look good.
Well yesterday, as I noticed all of these things, I decided to stop. I'm stopping my negative thinking and I'm allowing myself to enjoy life a bit more. A part of me felt that since I decided to make the sacrifices to have Christopher, that my whole life should be nothing but sacrifices. This is my biggest regret. The past two days I have put on my makeup, even though I've only gone to work. Both days two different girls I work with complimented my makeup. I don't know why I think doing my hair and makeup is important enough to write a blog about, but it's wildly important to me. I am learning that it's OK for me to be happy. I don't have to change every aspect of my life to be a good mother.
Saturday, January 22, 2011
The Best Thing That Ever Happened..
A big part of my motivation to start this blog is the sudden increase in TV shows about teenage pregnancy over the last few years. It started with "The Secret Life of the American Teenager", then came "16 and Pregnant", further, "Teen Mom" and "Teen Mom 2". I will admit, I watch all of these shows, and get just as frustrated with their wrong decisions and proud of their correct ones as any other fan. My main problem with them? They're HIGHLY unrealistic. Many of the girls in the Teen Mom shows have money to get professional highlights, eat out regularly, get their nails done, etc. However, they don't have money for sheets for their baby's crib, or decorations for a birthday party? Many of the girls struggle with their desire to finish their teen years, while having to "grow up" to take care of their children.
What I'm here to say is, not every teen mother is irresponsible. We don't all give up on our lives the moment we get pregnant. My life is 100% better since having Christopher. Did I give things up? Of course. But I love every moment. Even right now, as he's fussing himself to sleep for his nap. I heard it all when I got pregnant. That I'd never finish high school or go to college, that I'd live on welfare my whole life, that my children would have a worse life because of me, but none of that is coming true. I graduate high school in June. Yes, real high school, not a GED or "alternative" high school. Majority of the classes that I have taken in the past two years have been advanced, two of them are college level. I'm beginning my education degree in the Fall, and by the time I'm teaching, my sons will be in school.
My husband Brad has been by my side every step of the way. Which disputes another common myth, that every teen mom has a "baby-daddy" who is going to leave her and never support his children. We've been married just over a year, and we decided to try for another baby when Christopher was about five months old. We wanted our kids close together so that they will enjoy each other and really, they'll never know life without each other. Again with this pregnancy I heard all about how I'd never finish college with two babies, but I will. My whole life I've learned to work my ass off, and that isn't going to change.
I've become much more disciplined since having Christopher. He's in bed by 7:00 most nights, so I'm home early, working on schoolwork until we have to pick up Brad around 10:00. I go to bed early, as everyone in the house is up by 8:00. My days are filled with taking care of Christopher, running errands, visiting family, cleaning the house, and those are just days that I don't work!
I've learned a lot about running a household. One of the things that shocked me most when I became a mom is how difficult that truly is. I used to fight my parents like crazy about my messy room, now I'm the parent trying to keep a clean home. I love cooking, but I'm not very good or adventurous yet. I'm getting there though. When Brad and I first married, we lived with his family for a few months. When we moved out, we were truly on our own. I realized that there was a lot that I didn't know, that I should have learned before. Such as, letting dishes soak in hot water makes them 100x easier to clean, or if you clean as you go, you have a much smaller mess when you get a phone call that someone is ten minutes away and coming to visit!
While this post has turned into a lot of rambling, I'll simply reiterate. Some teen moms, like me, pretty much drop the teen part and just become moms. For those who are reading this who are friends and family, thank you for all of your support because without it, I may be one of the stereotypes. For those of you reading this who are young moms, don't get discouraged. You can do this. Just don't use it as an excuse to throw your life away, use it as your motivation to improve! And for those reading this who know teen moms, and perhaps have judged the young girl in the supermarket juggling a baby and diapers and formula, please take a step back to realize that at least she's trying. All new moms are frazzled and make crazy mistakes, teen mothers are no different.
What I'm here to say is, not every teen mother is irresponsible. We don't all give up on our lives the moment we get pregnant. My life is 100% better since having Christopher. Did I give things up? Of course. But I love every moment. Even right now, as he's fussing himself to sleep for his nap. I heard it all when I got pregnant. That I'd never finish high school or go to college, that I'd live on welfare my whole life, that my children would have a worse life because of me, but none of that is coming true. I graduate high school in June. Yes, real high school, not a GED or "alternative" high school. Majority of the classes that I have taken in the past two years have been advanced, two of them are college level. I'm beginning my education degree in the Fall, and by the time I'm teaching, my sons will be in school.
My husband Brad has been by my side every step of the way. Which disputes another common myth, that every teen mom has a "baby-daddy" who is going to leave her and never support his children. We've been married just over a year, and we decided to try for another baby when Christopher was about five months old. We wanted our kids close together so that they will enjoy each other and really, they'll never know life without each other. Again with this pregnancy I heard all about how I'd never finish college with two babies, but I will. My whole life I've learned to work my ass off, and that isn't going to change.
I've become much more disciplined since having Christopher. He's in bed by 7:00 most nights, so I'm home early, working on schoolwork until we have to pick up Brad around 10:00. I go to bed early, as everyone in the house is up by 8:00. My days are filled with taking care of Christopher, running errands, visiting family, cleaning the house, and those are just days that I don't work!
I've learned a lot about running a household. One of the things that shocked me most when I became a mom is how difficult that truly is. I used to fight my parents like crazy about my messy room, now I'm the parent trying to keep a clean home. I love cooking, but I'm not very good or adventurous yet. I'm getting there though. When Brad and I first married, we lived with his family for a few months. When we moved out, we were truly on our own. I realized that there was a lot that I didn't know, that I should have learned before. Such as, letting dishes soak in hot water makes them 100x easier to clean, or if you clean as you go, you have a much smaller mess when you get a phone call that someone is ten minutes away and coming to visit!
While this post has turned into a lot of rambling, I'll simply reiterate. Some teen moms, like me, pretty much drop the teen part and just become moms. For those who are reading this who are friends and family, thank you for all of your support because without it, I may be one of the stereotypes. For those of you reading this who are young moms, don't get discouraged. You can do this. Just don't use it as an excuse to throw your life away, use it as your motivation to improve! And for those reading this who know teen moms, and perhaps have judged the young girl in the supermarket juggling a baby and diapers and formula, please take a step back to realize that at least she's trying. All new moms are frazzled and make crazy mistakes, teen mothers are no different.
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